


En Flambé

by Vyola



Category: My Drunk Kitchen
Genre: Don't Try This at Home, Gen, Illustrated, Misses Clause Challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-23
Updated: 2011-12-23
Packaged: 2017-10-27 21:17:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/300125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vyola/pseuds/Vyola
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alcohol.  Cheese.  Fire.  What could this possibly be a recipe for?</p>
            </blockquote>





	En Flambé

**Author's Note:**

  * For [metaphoracle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/metaphoracle/gifts).



_(fade in: a very nice kitchen)_

_(Hannah Hart races from one side of the screen to the other. She is wearing a plastic fireman’s helmet.)_

WooooOOooooo! WooooOOOOOooooo!

  
  


[a child’s red fire helmet]  


_(jump cut – Hannah, no longer wearing the helmet, cups a large bunch of bananas in her hands, dancing it upwards in front of her.)_

  
  


[a bunch of bananas]  


Six foot, seven foot, eight foot, bunch!

  
  


[the album cover for Harry Belafonte’s “Banana Boat Song”]  


_(When she finishes singing, she buries her face in the bananas, then pulls them away, rubbing at her cheeks.)_

Shit, I hope there’s not a spider in here.

_(jump cut - Hannah knocks the helmet off her head as she scratches her head with a fondue fork.)_

Not hygienic, you know?

_(title card)_

  


**My Drunk Kitchen**  


  


  
  


[“My Drunk Kitchen” between floral curlicues on a black background]  


_(Hannah Hart’s face is in extreme close-up. She pulls away, settling the plastic fire helmet more firmly on her head.)_

Bonjour! And welcome to My Drunk Kitchen **En Flambé**!

Which is French for “In Flames”.

  
  


[“en flambé” above flickering flames]  


_(jump cut – Hannah’s glasses are pushed up and her eyes are glassy.)_

Our primitive roots, man.

_(jump cut – Hannah is attempting to draw one leg up bent at the knee, her hands pressed together.)_

Essence of … of… **life** ….

_(Hannah falls over.)_

_(jump cut – Hannah is pulling herself up directly in front of the screen.)_

Namaste, bitches.

_(jump cut – Hannah brandishes a box of wooden matches.)_

We’re gonna do our cooking today over open flame.

_(jump cut - Hannah attempts several times to strike a match on the box. Suddenly it flares to life and she drops it.)_

Shit!

_(jump cut – Hannah pats frantically at herself.)_

Am I on fire?

_(jump cut – Hannah strikes a flirtatious pose and looks up from under her lashes.)_

Am I… **smoldering**?

_(jump cut – Hannah winks.)_

Wink.

_(jump cut – Hannah waves the plastic fire helmet in one hand and holds a beer bottle in the other.)_

So…. Fondue. Cheese and beer. Or wine.

_(She looks down at the helmet then throws it over her shoulder.)_

_(jump cut – Hannah waves a ceramic pot in one hand and holds a wine glass in the other.)_

Fondue. From the French word for… fonnnnnnn-due. Um….

  
  


[a red fondue pot on a stand]  


_(jump cut – Hannah holds a beer bottle in one hand and a wine glass in the other.)_

This is impressive. You do a little work and your friends will go around saying, “I can’t believe you made fondue. You’re like a gourmet chef or something.”

_(jump cut – Hannah is wearing a top hat and a bow tie.)_

  
  
  


[a black top hat above a plaid bowtie]  


I say, old chap. Fondue, indeed. **Frederick** can’t fondue.

_(jump cut – Hannah rips a clove off a head of garlic and then smashes the clove with the flat of a knife.)_

Layers of flavor, people. You rub the inside of your pot with garlic and it will infuse that shit right into your fondue. What’s your secret? You’ll never tell. But I will.

_(jump cut – Hannah rubs the crushed clove around the inside of the pot, her head bobbing around in circles along with it.)_

Garlic.

_(jump cut – Hannah holds out her hand.)_

Can you smell that, internet?

_(jump cut – Hannah blinks owlishly and shakes her head.)_

Whoa. Dizzy.

_(jump cut – Hannah drinks some beer.)_

_(jump cut – Hannah rubs her finger around the mouth of the beer bottle then takes a drink.)_

_(jump cut – Hannah stands at the sink, wiping off the mouth of the beer bottle.)_

_(jump cut – Hannah pushes her bangs out of her eyes.)_

Okay, good to know. Garlic and beer not so great without the magic of cheese to bring them together. That’s a fact. I don’t make this shit up. You’re welcome to test it yourself but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Pour the beer in –

_(Hannah tips the beer bottle over the pot but nothing comes out. She shakes it a little.)_

_(jump cut – Hannah opens a bottle of beer. There are several open bottles on the counter behind her.)_

  
  


[a few empty beer bottles]  


_(jump cut – Hannah takes a drink of wine.)_

Or you can use a white wine –

_(jump cut - Hannah holds the wine glass over the pot and swirls the wine but does not pour it in. She takes a drink of wine.)_

_(jump cut – Hannah opens a bottle of beer. There is an empty wine bottle next to the beer bottles on the counter behind her.)_

  
  


[a lot of empty beer bottles]  


_(jump cut – Hannah takes a drink of beer.)_

Pour the beer in and then start heating it up. The other secret to fondue is cheese.

_(jump cut – Hannah is rummaging through the refrigerator, wedging packages of cheese between her chin and shoulder.)_

We got your Emmentaler, Jarlsburg, Gruyère – basically anything that sounds like a snooty Swiss boarding school.

_(jump cut – Hannah pours wine into a glass and takes a drink. She has the top hat on again but the bowtie has worked its way around to the side of her neck.)_

  
  
  


[a black top hat above a plaid bowtie set at an angle]  


Well, **Frederick** wanted to send Chantal to Fontina but I insisted on Gruyère. Gruyère girls have that je ne sais quoi, you know?

_(jump cut – Hannah is grating cheese into a bowl.)_

_(jump cut – Hannah is peering into the screen.)_

Toss grated cheese with cornstarch…. What?

_(jump cut – an explosion of white briefly obscures Hannah as she dumps a measuring cup of cornstarch into the cheese.)_

_(jump cut – Hannah holds the bowl up.)_

It’s like a blizzard in my bowl.

_(jump cut - Hannah adds the cheese mixture to the pot.)_

Melt the cheese in the beer and voilà! Fondue.

_(jump cut – Hannah wrestles a can of sterno into place under a fondue stand.)_

Get yourself some sterno or, I don’t know. I guess you could use a candle or something. You just want to make sure it’s one of those food candles and not like, “scent of the sea” or “grandma’s closet full of mothballs.” That’s just nasty.

  
  


[two Yankee Candles – a blue ‘Drift Away’ scent and a white ‘Fluffy Towels’ scent]  


_(jump cut – Hannah lights a match.)_

Behold the flame!

_(jump cut – Hannah blows out the match.)_

Show you who’s boss.

_(jump cut – Hannah sets the pot on the fondue stand.)_

_(jump cut – Hannah lights the sterno.)_

Everybody gets a fondue fork and starts dipping stuff in the pot. Whatever you’ve got. Make ‘em use up your leftovers.

_(jump cut – Hannah uses a fondue fork to duel with someone off-screen.)_

  
  


[crossed fondue forks]  


_(jump cut – Hannah brandishes a cube of bread at the end of her fork then dips it in the cheese. She waves it toward the screen.)_

Enjoy!

_(jump cut – Hannah is holding a hand under the bread cube. Cheese drips into her hand.)_

  
  


[a cheese-covered bread cube on a fondue fork]  


Ow! Shit is hot.

_(jump cut – Hannah holds up her slightly reddened palm.)_

Yo, cooking is dangerous.

_(jump cut – Hannah’s cheek bulges out as she chews the bread cube.)_

Ta’s li--

_(Hannah swallows.)_

Tastes like… spray cheese. Hot spray cheese. With beer.

_(jump cut – Hannah holds up a can of spray cheese.)_

  
  


[two cans of Kraft Easy Cheese, lettering reversed]  


So much safer than fondue. No heating. No need to refrigerate. It says so. Right here. So you can store it in your pantry. Or pack it in your luggage. Carry it in your purse. I’m not here to judge.

_(jump cut – Hannah sprays a ring of cheese around the mouth of a beer bottle.)_

Instant fondue!

_(jump cut – Hannah stuffs a bread cube into her mouth then takes a drink from the spray cheesed-bottle.)_

_(jump cut – Hannah is at the sink, spitting out bread, spray cheese, and beer.)_

_(jump cut – Hannah springs up, a bottle of rum in one hand and a banana in the other.)_

It’s dessert o’clock!

After you’ve impressed your guests with fondue, it’s time to lay some heavy shit on them.

_(jump cut – Hannah nuzzles the bottle of rum. She is wearing an eye patch.)_

  
  


[an eye patch with a skull and crossbones on it]  


But where has all the rum gone?

_(jump cut – Hannah takes a drink from the bottle of rum.)_

Bananas Foster.

_(jump cut – Hannah crouches down like a monkey and sways from side to side, a half-peeled banana in her hand.)_

_(jump cut – Hannah inspects an unpeeled banana.)_

Sealed for your protection.

_(jump cut – Hannah holds up each item in turn.)_

Bananas. Butter. Brown sugar. Cinnamon. Rum. Banana liqueur. Ice cream.

_(jump cut – Hannah counts on her fingers.)_

Fire.

_(jump cut – Hannah drops butter into a sauté pan.)_

Melt the butter with the cinnamon and brown sugar.

_(jump cut – Hannah holds the pan up.)_

Stir.

_(jump cut – Hannah pours banana liqueur into the pan. She takes a drink of banana liqueur.)_

  
  


[bottle of 99 Bananas liqueur, lettering reversed]  


This is good for you. Bananas are fruit and fruit is good for you and shit. This is just like… pre-digested vitamins so your body doesn’t even have to waste energy breaking it down.

_(jump cut – Hannah tilts the pan up.)_

Stir some more.

_(jump cut – Hannah peels a banana and takes a bite.)_

_(jump cut – Hannah pulls down her left lower eyelid and peers into the screen. She holds a banana up against her face.)_

Do I look jaundiced?

_(jump cut – Hannah takes a drink of banana liqueur.)_

_(jump cut – Hannah takes a drink of rum.)_

Pirates got scurvy.

_(jump cut – Hannah cuts up two bananas.)_

Drop in your bananas and let ‘em get brown. Let that banana liqueur get all those vitamins flowing.

_(jump cut – Hannnah lifts the spoon, letting the sauce drip back into the pan.)_

_(jump cut – a bluish flame flares up with an audible “fooosh” and Hannah jumps back.)_

That. Was fire.

_(jump cut – Hannah is trying to fit a banana back into an empty peel.)_

  
  


[a banana peel]  


_(jump cut – Hannah is poking at the bananas in the pan.)_

Do these look cooked enough to you?

_(jump cut – Hannah is holding a piece of spaghetti.)_

Here’s a fun fact. If you don’t have a long match, you can use a piece of spaghetti. Just don’t cook it afterwards. Not so much with the delicious pasta-y goodness. No.

_(jump cut – Hannah takes the sauté pan off the burner.)_

Either move your pan away or turn the burner off before you pour in the rum. Unless you missed your eyebrow waxing appointment this month.

Pour in the rum.

_(jump cut – Hannah has the eye patch on again. She closes the uncovered eye and flips up the patch so she can see.)_

Avast, mateys!

_(jump cut – Hannah puts the pan back on the burner.)_

Heat it back up and call all your guests into the kitchen.

_(jump cut – Hannah lights a match and brings it close to the pan. Nothing happens.)_

_(jump cut – Hannah lights a match and throws it into the pan. A bluish flame flares up.)_

Dinner and a show!

_(jump cut – Hannah is holding a bowl of ice cream, bananas, and sauce. She shovels a large spoonful into her mouth.)_

  
  


[a dish of Bananas Foster]  


Mmmmmm. Bananas Foster. Check out this shit.

_(jump cut – Hannah is fishing the match out of the pan.)_

Splinter hazard.

Hey, internet! You’ve just made a dangerously delicious dessert. And these skills transfer to other dishes we will not be doing on My Drunk Kitchen, like Cherries Jubilee or Baked Alaska or Crèpes Suzette. Which is French for “Crap that Suzette Burned”.

_(jump cut – Hannah stares earnestly into the screen. The plastic fire helmet on her head bears a distinct scorch mark and has possibly melted a bit.)_

So what have we learned?

It’s very important when you are cooking with fire to do it in someone else’s kitchen. They are more likely to have insurance. And a fire extinguisher. And possibly a first aid kit.

  
  


[a fire extinguisher and a first aid kit]  


_(credits roll)_

  


**My Drunk Kitchen**

Hannah Hart as Flaming

Fire as Hot

Garlic as Surprisingly Tricky

Rum as Arrrrrrr

Bananas as Appealing

Cheese as Easy

_(fade back in to scene)_

_(Hannah is blowing her bangs out of her eyes.)_

Alcohol and hair products. A natural combination, one would think. But surprisingly hazardous when combined with an open flame. Go figure.

_(jump cut – Hannah is looking around, her head tilted up.)_

Do you smell gas?

  
  


[flames flaring up from a pan on a stove, a wine bottle and glass on the counter nearby]  


_(fade to black)_

  
  


[a burned-out kitchen]  


**Author's Note:**

> Here's the [first episode of _My Drunk Kitchen_](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vq7G-Q9ZwC0) on YouTube. It's only about 5 minutes long. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll change your life. Go. Watch. Get addicted!


End file.
